Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
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My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*