Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
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When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*