babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
You Might Also Like
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.