Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
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There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
I can’t wait!
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
Grow up never but we old may grow we
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
they should invent a rest for the wicked
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.