Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
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Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
#JohnTravolta
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain