Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
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THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
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Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Did a trash talking tree write this?
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank