Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
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“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Coffee is ready.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
guilty
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.