During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
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Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often