[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
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*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 馃槀
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I鈥檒l send him a really shitty one