Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
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Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.