When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
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Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake