While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
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Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices