It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
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We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
I’m calling the cops.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
#winning
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Dead sexy!!
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.