Netflix and scream at our children?!
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Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
*updates tinder bio*
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”