Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
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I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End