Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
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I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.