[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
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Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph