“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
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Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it