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Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
i spent way too long on this
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex