Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
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Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
…żyje?
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Follow me for more recipes
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”