literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
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Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Many hands make light work
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.