Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
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What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
scrabbled eggs
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.
new record!
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name