Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
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How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”