EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
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Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Born to be mild.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?