Your proctologist called. He found your head.
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Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Perfect
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.