I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
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All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!