i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
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Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating