My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
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Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
They’re not wrong
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Who.
Did.
This?
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.