Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
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[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
The hardest thing Vision has to do
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night