“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
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*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Mountain Goat : )
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack