Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
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me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
love it when they get my name right
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.