No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
You Might Also Like
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.