Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
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1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Don’t frighten the programmers!
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}