In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
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Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”