I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
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you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Worlds greatest photobomb
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.