When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
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The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
💁🏻♂️
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Jail
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.