I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
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When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.