If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
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Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene