My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
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God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man