Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
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Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
[at the general store]
me: one general please
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive