Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
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One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
an airline just for babies.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]