You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
You Might Also Like
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Very problematic
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Just me and my debit card against the world
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group