“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
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*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Home #decor warning.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?