Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
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Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.