When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
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my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment