Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
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Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
this will hang in the louvre one day
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
January has been Januweary
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.