me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
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Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
i will avenge u mr van gogh
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.