People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
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“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
The happy life.. 馃槉
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I鈥檓 going to eat them both.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”