According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
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My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.