Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
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My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
I support this random dude and all his protests
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?